I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
