so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
