my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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