she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
