I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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