my phone needs a breathalizer
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
