you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
