Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
