what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
