so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
