I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
