You smell like stripper and shame
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
