So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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