I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
