yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Randomize
