if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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