Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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