I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize