oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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