if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize