my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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