My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
