at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize