He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
