You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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