you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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