Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
