Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
