Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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