Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
