I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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