yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
