her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
