i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
