Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
