My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
