I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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