I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
