well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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