i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The air taste purple.
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