Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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