Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
is it fun? or sober?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
