well I can't set my house on fire every night
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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