Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
