I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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