You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
