Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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