Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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