Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
