WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
