All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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