If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
