It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Randomize
