Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
