He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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