just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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