Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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