I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
